Older stuff-Back to 2006

September 21, 2009
• Naked
Current mood: aroused
Just to be naked with you
From the back if it pleases you
I wanna get into you
Open up and dig into it
No barricade to this deepness
In your arms I know weakness
The comfort to be me
Give in and release me
You calm the storm that defeats me
Beaming with tenderness you passionately kiss the gates that lead deep inside me
Where you fit so
Perfectly fill me
Reach me and belong in
So carefully lie in
Working to turn hours into days
Days into timeless forever
Where we can be barer and limitless
In our relentlessness for this unquenchable thirst
This thirst we call us
We fall into
Get hooked in
Keep it and own it
For once I don't want to let go of it
You did it
Lasso'd me into it
Held me hostage in you cave and made me misbehave
Make me take it whole and for long
Wild hair, salivating lips below
Awaking that animalistic passion
We feed on
As if it should, as if we always did and could
Lusting and loving
Naked

Sep 21, 2009
Light as a Feather
Current mood: contemplative
Lost control into weakness
Giving in truly this time effortlessly
No fasaude except when I tell him no such feelings exist
How did I, How did he?
Is it true or merely desperate that accepted?
Can't tell the difference or what that stands for
Lost.
And if I ever I feel I have found me,
I go up in smoke again and disappear
At the mercy of the wind carried out
Never landing anywhere for too long before getting picked up again and blown an entirely different and unexpected direction.
The usual questions revisited?
Thought, answers, plan, break, plan, break, plan, break...
Feet above ground, head in the clouds and yet with undeniable powers to manifest.
If only I could feel whole.
Feel my power and ravish in it!
Return to carefree, worryfree
Selfishness.
Never seems so bad when I think of my own happiness.
What has this gotten me afterall!
Lost and empty
Light as a feather
Fluid as liquid
Sad, lonely, wanting to sink in.
Over and over again!
Unrecognizable still affected only now u know
Exposed and my soft shell wasting away
Pink flesh revealed
Cringging at every touch
At his touch currently, rightly so, with much reservation underneath the wire.
Getting back to good seems impossible from here
What is good anyway?


May 22, 2009
Attempt #5
Current mood: curious
After attempts 1,2,3,4,....failed...I will attempt again
I think the moral of this process is that I WILL attempt AGAIN!
Through the many dark sentiments, second guessing, and disappointments
I will not wither
Instead, hopefully, a little more wiser and with more patience I will try to get it right

i am in between being exposed and remaining-what I hoped for was a mystery but came across as sneaky-
tall glass to fill that remains undefined whether half full or half empty but now i'm rambling

Working on new self improvement projects...

workings that i know are truly cut out to size...genuine and legit...

1. Starting Master's program June 1st
2. Paying off debt
3. weekly weight loss goal
4. exploring meditation

Excited....and scared ...here I go



Apr 17, 2009
Am I right?
Current mood: inquisitive
So this is what I gather...

there much I have to offer but no one will listen because I do not have the results. If I don't have the results no one will follow because I don't believe...

So I need to get the results first, then go to step two....use my story to make money

I fear that I will be left behind and by then it will be too late.

I must believe that when it is my turn there will be something for me to do. I must believe that it's just not my turn now...and this is where I am.

Did I get it? What do you think people?



Mar 31, 2009
I QUESTION
Current mood: fermented


I question love.
Have I ever loved?
With every partner, I am enthralled... and call it love
I let their emotion be the emotion....
like using the word of the day...I live the desire of the day.
It is as if I surrender to a moment. To a story.
And with some twisted integrity to my incorrect choices, I march!
I don't apologize
but recognize there has to be a better way for me to experience connection
relationship
love

I question knowing.
In the end there is nothing to question
We just don't know
NOTHING
and
everything

Complicated ...
is just something we created in order to spice things up
but My mind is too fragmented
gluing the pieces together just won't work
They must be placed purposefully and where they fit harmoniously to make sense
I realize I still make no sense
and sadly if I still don't make sense to myself...the world has not met Lydia
how sad it is to have not

I question purity.
Can I,
will I
ever be stripped down
naked
in my purest form
can that child, this being, be allowed to be free
accepted
pleasantly enjoyed
and not afraid to just be
Is there such a version any longer?
Or drowned smothered in programming
quite the show
the novela

I question searching for millions.
Will it ever come?
Where is my miraculous million dollar check?
How will I construct the millions to come?
Why do I feel I will get millions?

Simple:
no millions will come this way...(questioning it)
or maybe I should just put it in writing...lol

I Question:
What does it take for a weak mind to become strong and stay that way?


Mar 27, 2009
Rants of a Rat
Current mood: anxious
Ok so now you have a plan. Now what do you do. You do it. You take it step by step and live life in the mean time.


This is the tricky part for this rat!
The waiting...
The waiting for the plan to be executed. I feel like my life is on Hold. There's no other way! I gotta take it step by step. And I CAN'T go to the next step without finishing the last! JeSUS Marie & Joseph!!! This is the part that kills me. I don't know how to live simply. I don't know how to be patient. What do I do in the meant time? How do I get through the days? The days seem sooooo loooooooonnggggg! The weeks the months. But no, they just go by. It feels as if time is still but running by simultaneously.
What is this void? Money Lights Camera Action....and yes somewhere in between Love = HAPPINESS

Have you asked yourself these questions?



Mar 22, 2009
FOR YOU, YES YOU!
Current mood: pensive

So someone asked me, How old are you? I had to stop and think, I am about to be 25 years old this year. In two years I'm 27...after that 30.
I mean shit...this is it.
LIFE!
It got me thinking about the future and my plans. I graduated 3 years ago and I still haven't accomplish something that I can be majorly proud of! Where has time gone? What have I been doing? Could I have done more? Be smarter about it? I think so, I know so. But here I am!

For the first time in aallll my life I didn't have a definite picture in mind for my future. I didn't have a plan that I was a 100% sure of. For the first time, I have to think hey, what do I want to do? How am I going to do it? I wouldn't say I wasted my time. I have learned alot and still have much to learn. But could I have done more? Yes! Why didn't I? Cuz I didn't stop to think. I was on the go go go! But I am ready now to do it ALL! Ready to try it again, but this time MY way! With BALANCE! Smarter, I think!

I encourage everyone, just think it through. Don't compromise yourself and your desires! Be cautious of the programming you have received from society and any other new ones. Find from each what fits you best! Really, really think about YOU and what makes you happy. Make a plan that includes ALL of it. Many times I thought, "well, I can't do it all! I have to pick and choose. Let me concetrate on this, then later on worry about that." NO!! Wrong! Errererrer! Sirens Sirens! Know you CAN do it all! Just plan! A very good mentor taught me that valuable lesson. I wish the same for him and all.

Do me a favor! Read this blog, comment if you wish. Dialogue if need be. But most of all! After you finish with myspace take the time to think about YOU. About what you want and what's important to you. Make a plan! And when you are ready execute, execute, execute!

Good Luck! I love you all my friends!....










Dec 17, 2008
Running through my head
Thoughts, thoughts run run
running through my head
race track of emotions, ideas or idealizations
the what was, is, and could be
all flushing and pumping through me
as my heart beat races to keep up, exilaration taking over
conversion of unanticipated angst, I feel

I feel you, him, her, and somewhere in between me
Running too fast for this pen, for my mind, and my eye
some things makes sense others ache
patiently here, HERE I am, in this space, feels like waiting, but the pain is gone
or am I numb, tolerate maybe. It has become

Questions I have. Become. Become. Who will I become?
How can I imagine if I don't even know who I am.
I am discovering and begining to accept.
Like this pen, my thoughts, and the words run in tangents
Keep up. Keep up. No I'm running against time. Always running, running.
Don't know where I am running to.
My gait paces as I think. But I don't stop.
I never stop.
Doesn't seem as efficient. I don't run as fast, but I don't stay still
not enough to enjoy passing meadows
I am here.

I'm scared, palms sweaty, excited, and with unbeknowst security, calmness.
Antenas up! Preparing for the seasons.
Am I a worthy warrior beside you.
Do you believe I will keep up?
I need you to believe. Just believe.
it would break my heart if you didn't
I know I am, but please,
Always believe.
so when I am down and feeling tired, you can look at me and tell me
You Believe. It is my life source, my reboost.
Attacked, bruised, and now reloaded.
I AM HERE.

I want it to all pour out. I need it all out.
All over this paper, in the sweat I sacreed, on the floor
Releasing me
Breathe, in-out, out, out, out.
Because Yes I AM HERE!
It is good to be home.
4:33 PM
Jun 26, 2008
I’m Alive
i'm tick tick tocking
rat brain rocking
finding balance
shifting, shaping
seeing all unfold before me
lounging back and watching tides forge forward
forward toward all i will be
happy being freedom ringing
singing bringing brightness hotness
diva standing 5"1 110lbs of kindness
leading trillions banking following
up up up to paradise
see it feel it believe it own it
be it
love it
appreciate it

Thank you!

May 16, 2008
Tricks of the Trade
Current mood: jedi
PAY ATTENTION

DUPLICATE

LEARN PEOPLE

LEARN THE POLITICS OF PEOPLE

LEARN THE SYSTEM

PUSH UP

PULL UP

PLAY THE GAME

and ALWAYS, ALWAYS...
SMILE


Feb 28, 2008
PHOENIX
status: hella broke
highly in debt

mood: borderline depressed
cranky
angry
aggitated

Plan Of Action: Dennis Wong will not let me fail
I will not lose hope
I will not lose my mind
I will fight back and like a Phoenix RISEEEeee!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I WILL GAIN CONTROL~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dec 5, 2007
gradually....
unlike my nature and capacity to understand things grow gradually...they naturally simmer and rise. It's precious to watch as it inches towards it's destination. I here in the middle find it beyond my itchy will to appreciate. Patience, patience little one! ah huh...breathe... Good things do come to those who wait. I fire and forward see it, and want it. Instantly when i demand it. Impatiently still with the taste in my mouth and craving for a second helping more and more. It develops slowly without notice or celebration. Unexpectantly there when forgotton arrives. shhh...when I reflect I feel thankful.
Jul 17, 2007
ramblings of in between
Current mood: exanimate
how do you surrender to what must be if you do not agree. how do i find the patience in letting things unfold when all i want to do is fast forward to the happy ending. this is life, living but i'm afraid if i can't do it. can i take it there. can i make the decisions necessary, the actions that lead to....me
it is the journey the journey is where the value it is but the fear paralyzes you ...sometimes
and if not my way which way, that way no! i can't surrender to time, surrender to destiny, to the lesson, i'm fighting and i do not want to feel defeated. there are always two paths if not this then that always to paths canot miss a beat to choose the right path. and i'm late i'm always late, am i late ot right on time? i feel late i always feel rushed playing catch up on the verge of being left behind...left behind
and if i am temporarily, will i make it back. will it be too late will the path unfold unlike i desire..will it choose the latter or will it remain the same... on time or late on time or late on time of late am i right in this space, place, time, spot... forward backwards which way do i belong...to take advantage and get the most
my own pace and yet not my own...not mine i don't own it possess it pet it cherish it or appreciate it... the opposite love-hate between the two. back and forth back and forth secure unsecure secure unsecure how do i gain control get what i want...
does the training apply? 1. Decide 2. certify (get on the plan) 3. silence is golden 4. utilize yor tools 5. set a strat 6. attend training 7. build list 8. Don't Quit... can i attack my internal just the same and conquer...
the battle is with myself..how can i win?

Jan 31, 2007
To Those that will miss me....
Current mood: determined
I 'm writing to tell you that I am going away. I have placed myself under construction and will open when rennovations have been completed. This goes out to all my friends. To my real friends that would notice this and read it, take it to heart and worry. Thank you! Don't worry, understand and accept it. I'm going away. I think of you all more times than I reach out I assure you. I am not happy with myself or where I'm at. But I know exactly where I want to go and how to get there. It will require me to disappear maybe for a couple of months or maybe years. I need to concentrate on what is neccessary for me to achieve the things I need to in order to put myself in a place I am happy with. I am dedicated and determined. I don't want to make plans and feel guilty or hear that you miss me and feel guilty. I need to place my undivided attention to the efforts I have decided upon. You may not agree, but you have no choice. Love me and wait for me. True tests of yor love for me. I invite you to join me if you feel it suits you, otherwise see you when I come out on the other side. Read it and keep it. These words were written from a place of great love and appreciation, expectation reassures me that I can express this. You will always have me whether you are here when I get back or not.

Much Love
Yor Lydia***


Dec 30, 2006
Duele...
Current mood: sad
I miss him enough that when I close my eyes I see him.
I want him. I want him enough to demand him against better judgement imagine his kisses, his hugs, his hands, the words and his love
his love that soaked up my skin seeped into my being and holds on tight no matter how much I try to shake it off
unimaginable and much avoided pain of regret, resentment, and ache for longing to see you, to hear you, to feel you hold me and make me feel more beautiful than I could ever see myself genuine despite your various faults
the light was there and I don't know if I made the right choice, let go? or did I give up the challenge my bond was weak, is it shameful?
however wrong or right your love could be I loved you i wanted to breathe you in
anywhere we could be together we escaped an hibernated I didn't appreciate it took it for granted and fucked alot of it up I miss you
release me

Jul 21, 2006
still Leaving!?....
Current mood: crushed
i hold out my hand, opened palmed
but i return them empty
these hands wet with anxiety
make it easy to slip out
the harder i squeeze, the easier you slip
they all leave
it all falls to the floor
crashes and breaks
i with my hands can't catch anything
no matter how tight i hold it to my chest
it falls down and all i can do is pick up the pieces
with open flesh from the shards of broken glass that penetrated my skin
ruined only suitable to throw out, wasted
trying to recollect and find the next glass to fill
the next opac
held with stained sheets so it doesn't slip
no luck, the lack of grasp makes it just as slippery and it
falls
my bruised hands can't muster the strength
and left unkept I'll walk over it
to finish me off

May 18, 2006
cacata...
Current mood: discontent
Dios dijo "Beware of false prophets"
y las amigas falsas tambien
vienen in sheeps clothing
con mucho carisma
te envuelven
y te confunden
te quitan y quitan
mientras haciendote sentir que no importa
y que puedes dar mas
no te aprecian
ni te valoran
no te respetan
y se vengan las maldades
no te celebran tu felicidad
si no la ensusian con negatividad

y yo
pobre yo
que ni aun reconociendo la verdad
no tengo el corazon para desfraudar
ni darle mi espalda
como quiera que sea

me tiene envuelta esta arraNa...


May 17, 2006
ni las gracias...
Current mood: disappointed
vienes y lo coje
lo maltratas
le hace el fo
y como quiera ayi lo tienes

no te pido
no te reclamo
muchas veces ni te regaNo

ofresco compaNia
amistad
confianza
la verdad
consejo
y hasta encanto

y asi me pagas

solo una cosa
una cosa solamente te apedido
que me respete
no me averguenze
dame por valer
si no porque te lo doy
por la amistad
la confianza

fue largo nuestro encuentro
te di
cojiste
y todavia no lo aprecias

te vas
me voy
y ni las gracias me das...


May 11, 2006
cuando se acaba...
Current mood: melancholy
me da pena al verte...
hombre porque eres hombre
y no te tuve
sin quererte y aunque paresca ridiculo
todavia me duele al ver tu desinteres
y la hypocresia cuando nos vemos
que lastima que no puedo ver mas alla de eso
mi eror
mi confusion
la unica explicacion que queda ahora
por no poder discutir contigo
la realidad
que pensandolo bien fue fantasia
aunque todavia espere de oirlo de tus labios para convencerme
que estupida niNa fui
y mi eror no puede ser borrado
porque me ha afectado
the wound was cut way too deep to ever be healed
I lost my way back to good
and now it seems as if it will never come again
te extraNo!
y con verguenza lo admito
me arde cada vez
mi corazon freezes
y me falta el aire
cuando te veo
en secreto por fotographia
y me advierte que aun no estoy lista para verte otra vez
y olvidar
y perdonar
y pretender que nada ha pasado
how you do so well...que triste
la hora de ese amargo encuentro
me tiembla el alma
llorame otra vez con sinceridad dime que me quieres para traz
en tu vida
en tu ser
porque duermes en el mio
all cuddled up y vencido
como nunca te senti estar
shamefully the words escaping on my breathe
regresa a mi...


May 11, 2006
desperdicio.
Current mood: horny
Pierdo el tiempo y pienso en ti...
creo fantasias de tus manos sobre mi piel
recordando el sabor a miel que dejabas en mi boca
y esas pocas veces que franticamente me besabas
encendiendo el fuego
mi pascion
y las ganas de adorarte de maneres que no te mereses
y no es que me importa mucho, pero que no te importe a ti si me importa
porque egoisticamente quiero que me quieras
me desee con ganas
mas y mas
damelo mas y mas
suavesito como nos gusta
volverme loca
disfrutandote a mi
de mi
y el pensar me da teriquito de arriba abajo
porque lo quiero adentro y afuera
adentro y afuera
no espere que te lo pida
damelo fiel y entero
otra vez y de nuevo
que hago
quieres que te lo quite y no puedo
solo puedo cuando es ofrecido
ofreze
por que es mio,
no?
si pudiera te lo acabaria...
descuida
namas pudiera...
con cariNo lo hiciera
hasta detras de no poder
lo cojeria
si tu supieras...



May 5, 2006
Seria porque...
Current mood: crushed
Por que seria...
porque namas me molesta que le das mas importancia a las otras...
me fatiada que todavia no declaras tu amor de hermano por mi
mas como primito que se priman
amigio mio

porque namas me gusta ganar y mas cuando siento que hay competencia
aunque se que de algunas maneras si ha ganado, se que a perdido en otras
ademas en realidad no me vale la pena....

que despues que creo que te ha importado...se desuelve
seria entre los dias desperdisiados de no estar adentro de mi
o en lo occupado que siempre estas cuando es hacia mi

por que namas me encanta cuando quieres de mi
sentirme y hacerme llegar con esos mio dedos magicos
nunca aceptando que te diga no

y todovia no entiendo ese fuego que se enciende por mi en ti
de donde viene, que quiere, y para donde quiere ir
enseName como se debe
como te puedo servir

porque namas no sabes ni como ni de donde
y por eso solo es fantasia y no realidad



Mar 20, 2006
Did I Inspire you...
Current mood: accomplished
I.

What inspired you to take me like I wanted to be taken
to be treated as if you can govern me
to make me comply
loosing a piece of myself everytime
my dignity
my self-respect
and liking it
admiring that you became the man I've expected
rough
insensitive
selfish
and honest

II.

raw
how sometimes you wish you can have me
I wish I could give you
naked
available for when you want it
as a craving, obtaining it
seldomly but longingly
like a beloved habit you must break
and do on most days
until it builds up
and you feel you deserve a reward
I'll be the trophy
the one you pushed for and got
snatched it
once you knew you won it
as you should

III.

love it
taste it
fuck it
make love to it
for that moment making it yours
showing me
that you can have it
at any time you want
offering masochistic satisfaction

IV.

relaxing in your crudeness
I laugh
inside your message of domination
I accomplished my goal
you lost control
feared it
and accordingly found a way to control it

indeed a worthy adversary



Mar 20, 2006
True Nature
Current mood: contemplative
What does it mean for a woman and man to relate to one another. For her to want to fit into his arms, but be accused of being to macho for mandating things in a certain order. What consequences arise from different expressions of what has been internally processed. It's manifestation then interpreted or rather misinterpreted to mean what one must only imagine it means since by it's nature is a foreign thought. Other than the basis of wanting you to understand me do I formulate my words in a ceratin order. To me even fragments make sense when I have written them. The same cannot be said once I've forgotten my point. The eradication of it's memory inevitably discarded once written because it is not longer mine due to what I have transformed it into. While relating to a man in an intimate way is foreign to me, the realization that what I had imagined it to be like and what it actually is are different causes more disappointment than ease because either way it leaves me at a point where I must choose the happiness of and entity other then myself, but instead must conduct the neccesary to preserve the survival of we. Because somewhere down the lines We becomes more necesary, more vital than i. Uncertainty seems to always creep and the fear that we will become a you and me seems equally possible and realistic as the latter of the concept. Even knowing that there is an end one strives to take full masochistic advantage of the road that leads there. And for those that consider themselves made of a different caliber, the question arises: Does the fact that an act and a concept is exercised in numbers, mean that it is the correct, accepted thing to do. The same can be asked of many social constructs that seem to defy natural instinctual desire on the basis that those desires should and can be tamed. Is our primitive nature aware of something we are not? By this point, I can't hear it answer back. There are no explanations of why I feel a certain way, and admist the lack of one I blindly follow it. Some things in life are certain and others aren't, it always seems that the most important, the most detrimental are the ones that have no security and with it you risk the sense of self to deteriorate and have to reconstruct. If one believed in past lives, essentially one can see that lives are recycled and what you think you don't know you do, while the things you think you know you don't. If your way of feeling is instinctual then shouldn't that be basis enough to regard it as acceptable. If a serial killer feels he should kill, can that be justified? If monogomy is second naure, can polygomy be justified? Are the norms we upheld due merely to socialization, bounderies we created and are expected to keep? is that what helps us progress? Or has routine and fear replaced progression?

Mar 8, 2006
guess...need more signs?
Current mood: bored
get me out of here.... I'm bored... and don't know what i want... a new fling...hum... new clothes...hum....what can I do? Any suggestions?


Mar 7, 2006
I am Hot!!!
Current mood: pleased
Are You Hot?

Your hotness score is: 220

Your quiz results make you a Hip and Happening

Your quiz results make you Hip and Happening Checking the scene and dressing to impress are your mottos. Trendy and nicely-pressed, you catch eyes and turn heads wherever you roll. You're sure to find all the parties and hot spots. You are one hip cat, and that's hot. Don't ever cool down.


Mar 1, 2006
desaogo...
Current mood: sad
I still miss him... He wasn't the one. He wasn't anything while being something at the same time. I took him out of my life and he left. I found someone and feel safe. But I still I miss him. He haunts me and taunts my wounds. The memory. The thoughts of him living. Day in day out not feeling like I do. But the sadness of him heavy. Weighing in my heart. In my mind replaying. And the angers returns because he didn't care. Time didn' t stop for him as it did me. And remaining eternally connected to him in more ways than one. When all I wish I could do is erase it. As if we never crossed path. Replaying reblamming. Always sure that if only... I ... if only... we... but he should have... He barely got away with it, but that he did. And it hurts. Still hurts like a scabbed wound being reopened, refucked with, reaggitated. But sometimes I still miss him. And find myself checking up on him. Looking when he's not looking. And whispering that I love him. That I miss him. That I yearn for his comfort. Cuddling to nap and laughing as I find my innocence only when around him. Where I feel pure again. Like light. But maybe in many fucked up ways my only regret. And when I remember him. When i feel the pain, I wonder if it could've been better. If it could have gone differently. That's when I have to stop myself. When the thoughts become too painful. To senseless. Instead I hope, that one day the table would turn and he's look for me. Till then I'll stitch myself up again. And where ever you are I miss you.


Feb 26, 2006
Where is Strength...
Current mood: determined
he said hello and
penetrated me in the most unexpected way
he swayed to the rythm of my body
exactly mimicking in opposition my gyrations
so that when we connect we bounce
off of each other
an energy
a surge
that brews the desire for ...
to a boiling point
rising
higher
and higher
and so was he
as we breathed in
the phermones pouring out through sweat beads
tantilizingly
bitting my bottom lip to control the heat
he felt it
just as i felt him
the hours became seconds
and the room vacant
the world seemed ours for indulging
slowly undressed me
careessing my skin every step of the way
as if i was fragile and must be handled with care
he saw right through me
and adapted to my mode of being
almost torturing me in the process
as i received everything I wanted
the anticipation driving me insane
whispering that i could never leave this
I tried
but the truth of it being more duty and obligation than desire showed
he read it and abused it
took it for his own
and me in the end
under him
pleading with myself to be stronger
repeating in my head
this is good bye
this is good bye
afraid that the truth is it wasn't
and goodbye may not be up to me
damn him
damn it
this is goodbye
this is
goodbye
I must be stronger than this.
goodbye
but I'm still trying to convince myself


Feb 24, 2006
Trying
Current mood: worried
I'm trying to be who I'm suppose to be. I'm trying to be what is expected to me, what is safest, what is dignified. I guess I failed. I know it's not what I really want, desire to do. It's not what makes me happy. I like to live by the moment and making plans for he future interferes with this. I wish everyone would understand. See it like I do. How wrong is it, really? But I have to end it. I have to be right. Be good. This doesn't come easy. But it must be done, right?


Feb 22, 2006
The Life you live
Current mood: contemplative
I'm not sure how it's suppose to work, but these may be the diary of a swinger. A person eternally confused with what is desired and what is allowed to obtain. Problems with rules and regulations. I can be tamed but the choice feels like a bitter jagged jumbo pill being pushed down dryly. Sometimes. When there's time, I wonder, and wander, in the most dangerous of places my head, where impulse is subject to distrust. Is it just cold feet as they say, or are my destructive ways bad habit of unquiteness. Am I ever satisfied? Am I ever patient? Both lessons I should've learned but only come out being more anxious then when I went in. It's the need for constant gratification. Addiction to flirting, kissing, fucking, and taunting. I prefer the idea of it than to have it. The desire for obtaining it last longer than the attentiveness of having it. Maybe this in due time will change. And I can settle. somewhere. somehow.

Feb 10, 2006
create
my words have no meaning in your soul... they will soon... how can I express beauty. I lack the control.


Feb 8, 2006
under construction
most of my life is under construction... left half done ... to be worked at another time. blogs and inernet networks included.. just deal with it... one day it will be perfect.

Pulling Out

When you've tripped and fallen into a black hole it feels nearly impossible to get out.
The light at the end of the tunnel seems so dim and opac that it might as well not even be there.
Hope takes on new disdain.
Tainted it tastes bitter and instead makes you quite sick.
You want nothing to do with it.
Your legs too limp to walk
And your arms too heavy to crawl.
Helpless you feel comfort in surrendering.
It makes perfect sense to give in.
To turn against yourself and consider you weak.
Unworthy and forgotten you convince yourself this just might be where you belong.
With the unimportant things tossed out to be forgotten.
Things that never seemed to make an impact to the world or anyone in it.
This world won't miss you.
It has won.
Triumphantly removed you the tumor.
A mark staining its beauty.
This is who you've allowed yourself to become.
And so with no rope down this well.
No tracks or glowing sticks to lead you out.
You contemplate to remain.
What saves you?
What picks you up and gives you strength?
Rest
Rest in this putrified loneliness rotting away.
Think of all the things you quit on.
Think of all the things you blame yourself for.
Think of all the things you wanted and did not belong to you.
Think of your regrets.
Think of your failures.
Think of your projected unworthiness.
The damage you have caused yourself.
That you have allowed others to inflict on you.
Think of your pain.
And when the stench gets so bad that you cannot lie in it no longer
And when your muscles begin to cramp looking for movement.
You get up!
You realize you do not belong here with all these withered things.
You will rise.
You will find the will to scratch against the wall and pull yourself up.
To anchor your weight against the wall and with nail and teeth drag yourself towards the light.
Slowly.
With pace.
You drag your body and broken spirit back.
Because you do not belong here.
You cannot be forgotten.
And when you reach the light.
When you return to the world.
Great joy in your heart.
Forgiveness of yourself.
Of others.
You may not know where you belong.
What you can contribute to this world.
But you do know, you do not belong with withered, rotten, forgotten things.
You have more light, more right than that
Breathe in a new beginning.
Jaded at first, with confidence still, that in this world you belong.

Solidarity

Written October 25, 2010

It slowly starts to eat away at me.
This emptiness creeping up.
Its like an empty dry well heaving for moisture. Moisture coming in the form of love, of comfort.
Real or not artificial water fills it. But the sun dries it up again.
I am left dehydrated & sizziling up once again. Burning slowly inside from the dry emptiness. The unsataible heat!
I begin to panic.
Searching the corners for any dampness left. Searching the wrinkles of my walls for any reserved water. In time I'll find none.
It is inevitible. I fear the driness. I feel the burning. That endless emptiness I can't seem to fill. I can't seem to satisfy.
A cut out hole in my heart. In my soul that I cannot mend. I cannot close.
Just continously attempt to disguise it. To fool it. To confuse it w/ cheap temporary lubrication to reduce the friction.
But in time it all dries up. It all comes to light that inside there is emptiness. Inside there is a gap. That inside I am not whole.
It was carved out & stolen. Nothing can replace it. Its an endless battle to cover it up. To disguise it.
A smile. A routine. To wake up day after day regardless. Just hoping one day this hole will mend. This gap will fill.
Or a new heart, a new soul can replace it. I beg to be whole.
The well has dried up once again & water is scarce.
It's begining to burn again.

Insanity

Written October 16, 2010

And how do I keep from going insane? How can I find sanity in the now when the wait of the now drives me insane? I've never been ok with this time. I've always wanted to fast forward. & no I don't want to talk myself into sanity. I only want it my way. With good intentions this constant struggle against the natural order. Believing in my capable hands & for the most part always conquering. But that's not true. There is no conquering against nature. She will do as she pleases & mandates.

We slave to her order must strap in for the ride. I never! I wanted to steer. Is that my destiny, my nature? Am I fighting empty battles & exhausting my powers? Y can't I choose the days, or blink them away? Some days I have purpose. Others I see no point.

In my head, with my head the light becomes dim. So I try. I try to always find light. Surround myself in light. Distract my mind. Always trying to diffuse this darkness, this emptiness. Will I ever find that light in myself, by myself, within myself? Will I ever be able to by myself breathe easy, trust in my thoughts, & not fear the creep of solitude stealing from my light? Satisfaction in myself outside & in? See my beauty. Believe in this beauty.

The Rat 2010

The Rat

Rats are charming, elegant and clever. They can be a bit gossipy and prone to being distracted. They’re also thrifty and very good with handling money. Family and close friends are exceptionally important to them. The Rat is charming beyond words and throughout his undoubtedly long life he will always be popular and will have many friends.

Forecast for 2010
The Rat may be feeling quite tired and deflated after 2009, which saw him keeping his head down, working and staying out of trouble. The Year of the Tiger is going to be fast-paced for the Rat, which in itself does tend to make them slightly uncomfortable. But it is essential that they go with the flow and seize opportunities and take adventures – this year is going to be important for them. A lot of Rats may have dreamt of travel in 2009 but were unable to take trips either due to financial or work commitments. This year will be so different! Travel will feature strongly for many and if there is dream destination in mind, it may become a reality during 2010. February and March can bring interesting work offers, while June to August and December will bring happy social occasions. Romantically, September and October bring tempting offers for single Rats, while those who are attached will find the summer most special. It is essential for all persons born under this sign to be extra thoughtful and caring throughout the year – an inadvertent remark or gesture could lead to discord with loved ones.

Interesting Rat Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Garnet
Special Flower: Narcissus
Best Hours: 11 pm -1 am
Season: Winter
Horoscope Colors: Black, White, Purple


RAT: 51% (6 favorable and 6 unfavorable months)

There will be times you think 2010 is a good year and others when you will wonder if the opposite is true. On a positive note, the Metal year produces good fortune for you. The Tiger, on the other hand, is a big cat, and not exactly a friend to the Rat. Two important keys to your success are to be nimble and not to pick fights you have a chance of losing. The Tiger has claws, and defeat is not likely to be pretty. There will be plenty of action this year, which should suit you just fine. Scale back your endeavors in the first six months of the year and make your most concerted efforts during the next six good months. This formula should leave your life's balance sheet in the black at year's end.

Career

The Rat is likely to experience at least one major change in career path or professional role this year. The best strategy is to cultivate flexibility. If changes are not of your choosing, you'll be best positioned to take advantage of new opportunities by relinquishing some control and being your most adaptable self. Your independent nature could be a disadvantage if you don't pay close attention to developments in your field. It is a good time to monitor game-changing trends. The Rat is known for tenacity and resourcefulness, traits that will serve you well. If you are willing to adjust your plans accordingly, this Tiger year could tangibly improve your career prospects in the second half.

Relationships

Loving family relationships are featured prominently in this Tiger year. The Rat may be called upon to provide support to an older relative, thus enhancing a close, and mutually rewarding bond. You shouldn't hesitate to call on family first for assistance or advice. Attend as many events and gatherings of the most important people in your life as possible, or better yet, plan some yourself. In fact, it is advisable to go out of your way to create the environment for happy, memorable occasions to be enjoyed. Romance is not to be neglected either. Proactively expanding your social circle and interests will connect you with one or more exciting new love prospects.

Health

Relaxation will be valuable to your health this year. The Rat has a tendency to never fully unwind, even when participating in so-called leisure activities. This tendency will be even more exaggerated by the Tiger, so your overall well-being will depend on you making a real effort to find true outlets for stress. Some of your hobbies could be unwitting sources of pressure anxiety. Try some non-competitive physical endeavors and practice those that make you feel balanced and at peace instead of simply posing a new set of standards for achievement.

Wealth

As ingenious as the Rat can be financially, the Tiger year does not bode well for any risky ventures. The Tiger's hallmark is leaping before looking, so you should be vigilant so as not to get caught up in clever but uncertain schemes. Things will not always be what they appear this year, and that is especially true in money matters. It is not to say you should make no investments or major purchases this year; however, due diligence erring on the side of caution and conservatism could avert serious losses.

Innocence

Remember when you were a child? The world through those eyes was spectacular! I remember most of all how special I thought I was. I miss how I just felt that the world and everything in it was available for my pleasure. I never saw any barriers or obstacles. I did not believe in disappointment. I mean sure I would not always have my way, but my outlook was so iron-clad that it would just slide right off of me. I would brush it off and immediately go for the next best thing with no worries. I just knew I would always get my way period! Man I miss those days. Life was so inspiring and had so much potential!

I use to look at older people and just think it's so sad that they are so washed out and jaded. I use to look at opposition in that way too. I felt joyous and blessed to have seen the world the way I did with limitless possibilities and all within reach.

Like that Pink song "Sober" that's how I feel about life in regards to my youth. How can I feel like that again? How can I go back to always looking at the positive side of things and baring no bounderies!

I want to be free! I want to fly again! Where's my peter pan?

It's important to hold on to that. Cuz really life is what you make of it. It is your choice to see the world which ever way you want. Be delusional if so! Just be happy because I guarantee if you are happy, eveything will just fall into place. Religion tells you through faith, the secret tells you, spirituality tells you, and now I tell you! Believe!

I talk to myself here as well. My therapy to expell this negativity and embrace positivity is here. Find your's so that you may always believe!

Feel sexxxyyy, damn it!

I mean you gotta turn yourself on. It's like that love thing, "you must love yourself before you can love another and another to love you". It's like that! I mean when you masturbate is it a whatever thing, let me bust this nut? Or is it like "yea me time, hey I've missed you"...lmao. I mean you gotta find yourself sexy. Feel sexy so you can exude sexiness.

It has to come from within. First and foremost, you must be healthy inside out. You have to take care of your health. You want to be detoxicated and supported with the proper nutrients, vitamins & minerals, and enzymes. Be at a healthy, safe, and comfortable weight. Good organic supplements site is www.yorhealth.com/lagygin Then you must be healthy of mind. Your self-esteem and confidence must be central all throughout.

Know yourself well. Your strengths and weaknesses, as they say. Appreciate your efforts and the person you are. Who you are and what is going on in your life has been of your own doing. Be proud of your decisions! Make decisions you will be proud of. Accept yourself. And above all be honest with yourself. With what you want and what you are worth.

Finally be about your shit! If you say you gonna do something do it! Don't stay dreaming and talking. "lights camera action thank you Ms. Jackson! "...lol

Now that is true SeXy!

Jus saying!

Bastards

I put it here for all the world to see.
Ring the alarms and turn on the switch.
I know the secret and I'ma snitch.
Lay it on you without a fee.

Rid the body of all your sins.
Young love exciting but no one ever wins.
Perpetual betrayal, selfishness, and disrespect
Interferring with the love that could be shared.

Warning: After so many cycles love leaves you bare.
Colder now from the warmth you felt
Lonlier now that the space is left
Looking in the mirror wondering when the ache will end.
Regretting how you jumped in for love twisted and bent.

You ready?
Here it goes, signed, sealed, delivered and sent.
Emotions are traitors.
Royal masturbators.
Ego induced drugs
Rock and rob the cradle
Ever since Daddy carried you.
Sit you on his lap and made you giggle.
Your caught.

Chemical reaction produces laughter.
A prequel, a symptom,of love.
A feeling you want to last ever after.
Flip it, scratch it, fondle, and squeeze it.
And the race begins!

Tumble, fumble, your mission to capture it, breathe it, own it, and keep it.
Instead we mistreat it, abuse it, and waste it.
Hearts broken, egos bruised and the cylce continues
One doing to another and that other to another, and that other to yet another
Obsenities against a person, your person, your kind, just love me person.

So keep your head up, eyes focused, shoulders back, hands to the side.
Forward, toward, never backwards
Walk proud like a zombie
Heartlessly empty not concerning yourself with drama.
Taking the make you feel so good
Emptying all concern, remorse, and blindness to kindness.
Its this one, that one, this one today, the other tomorrow.
The usual, the romance, the fairy tale feeling.
"So glad I have found you, love you already, be mine forever..."
Smile, cry, agree, and cuddle.
And do it all again tomorrow with the other.

It's just the way the game is played, it's best if you just stay stoned.
Rock hard marble
Pleasant assassin
Enjoy the ride.

For all the bastards that wronged you, didnt't appreciate you, and passed you.
Be the bastard!