Insanity

Written October 16, 2010

And how do I keep from going insane? How can I find sanity in the now when the wait of the now drives me insane? I've never been ok with this time. I've always wanted to fast forward. & no I don't want to talk myself into sanity. I only want it my way. With good intentions this constant struggle against the natural order. Believing in my capable hands & for the most part always conquering. But that's not true. There is no conquering against nature. She will do as she pleases & mandates.

We slave to her order must strap in for the ride. I never! I wanted to steer. Is that my destiny, my nature? Am I fighting empty battles & exhausting my powers? Y can't I choose the days, or blink them away? Some days I have purpose. Others I see no point.

In my head, with my head the light becomes dim. So I try. I try to always find light. Surround myself in light. Distract my mind. Always trying to diffuse this darkness, this emptiness. Will I ever find that light in myself, by myself, within myself? Will I ever be able to by myself breathe easy, trust in my thoughts, & not fear the creep of solitude stealing from my light? Satisfaction in myself outside & in? See my beauty. Believe in this beauty.