Written October 16, 2010
And how do I keep from going insane? How can I find sanity in the now when the wait of the now drives me insane? I've never been ok with this time. I've always wanted to fast forward. & no I don't want to talk myself into sanity. I only want it my way. With good intentions this constant struggle against the natural order. Believing in my capable hands & for the most part always conquering. But that's not true. There is no conquering against nature. She will do as she pleases & mandates.
We slave to her order must strap in for the ride. I never! I wanted to steer. Is that my destiny, my nature? Am I fighting empty battles & exhausting my powers? Y can't I choose the days, or blink them away? Some days I have purpose. Others I see no point.
In my head, with my head the light becomes dim. So I try. I try to always find light. Surround myself in light. Distract my mind. Always trying to diffuse this darkness, this emptiness. Will I ever find that light in myself, by myself, within myself? Will I ever be able to by myself breathe easy, trust in my thoughts, & not fear the creep of solitude stealing from my light? Satisfaction in myself outside & in? See my beauty. Believe in this beauty.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Rat 2010
The Rat
Rats are charming, elegant and clever. They can be a bit gossipy and prone to being distracted. They’re also thrifty and very good with handling money. Family and close friends are exceptionally important to them. The Rat is charming beyond words and throughout his undoubtedly long life he will always be popular and will have many friends.
Forecast for 2010
The Rat may be feeling quite tired and deflated after 2009, which saw him keeping his head down, working and staying out of trouble. The Year of the Tiger is going to be fast-paced for the Rat, which in itself does tend to make them slightly uncomfortable. But it is essential that they go with the flow and seize opportunities and take adventures – this year is going to be important for them. A lot of Rats may have dreamt of travel in 2009 but were unable to take trips either due to financial or work commitments. This year will be so different! Travel will feature strongly for many and if there is dream destination in mind, it may become a reality during 2010. February and March can bring interesting work offers, while June to August and December will bring happy social occasions. Romantically, September and October bring tempting offers for single Rats, while those who are attached will find the summer most special. It is essential for all persons born under this sign to be extra thoughtful and caring throughout the year – an inadvertent remark or gesture could lead to discord with loved ones.
Interesting Rat Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Garnet
Special Flower: Narcissus
Best Hours: 11 pm -1 am
Season: Winter
Horoscope Colors: Black, White, Purple
RAT: 51% (6 favorable and 6 unfavorable months)
There will be times you think 2010 is a good year and others when you will wonder if the opposite is true. On a positive note, the Metal year produces good fortune for you. The Tiger, on the other hand, is a big cat, and not exactly a friend to the Rat. Two important keys to your success are to be nimble and not to pick fights you have a chance of losing. The Tiger has claws, and defeat is not likely to be pretty. There will be plenty of action this year, which should suit you just fine. Scale back your endeavors in the first six months of the year and make your most concerted efforts during the next six good months. This formula should leave your life's balance sheet in the black at year's end.
Career
The Rat is likely to experience at least one major change in career path or professional role this year. The best strategy is to cultivate flexibility. If changes are not of your choosing, you'll be best positioned to take advantage of new opportunities by relinquishing some control and being your most adaptable self. Your independent nature could be a disadvantage if you don't pay close attention to developments in your field. It is a good time to monitor game-changing trends. The Rat is known for tenacity and resourcefulness, traits that will serve you well. If you are willing to adjust your plans accordingly, this Tiger year could tangibly improve your career prospects in the second half.
Relationships
Loving family relationships are featured prominently in this Tiger year. The Rat may be called upon to provide support to an older relative, thus enhancing a close, and mutually rewarding bond. You shouldn't hesitate to call on family first for assistance or advice. Attend as many events and gatherings of the most important people in your life as possible, or better yet, plan some yourself. In fact, it is advisable to go out of your way to create the environment for happy, memorable occasions to be enjoyed. Romance is not to be neglected either. Proactively expanding your social circle and interests will connect you with one or more exciting new love prospects.
Health
Relaxation will be valuable to your health this year. The Rat has a tendency to never fully unwind, even when participating in so-called leisure activities. This tendency will be even more exaggerated by the Tiger, so your overall well-being will depend on you making a real effort to find true outlets for stress. Some of your hobbies could be unwitting sources of pressure anxiety. Try some non-competitive physical endeavors and practice those that make you feel balanced and at peace instead of simply posing a new set of standards for achievement.
Wealth
As ingenious as the Rat can be financially, the Tiger year does not bode well for any risky ventures. The Tiger's hallmark is leaping before looking, so you should be vigilant so as not to get caught up in clever but uncertain schemes. Things will not always be what they appear this year, and that is especially true in money matters. It is not to say you should make no investments or major purchases this year; however, due diligence erring on the side of caution and conservatism could avert serious losses.
Rats are charming, elegant and clever. They can be a bit gossipy and prone to being distracted. They’re also thrifty and very good with handling money. Family and close friends are exceptionally important to them. The Rat is charming beyond words and throughout his undoubtedly long life he will always be popular and will have many friends.
Forecast for 2010
The Rat may be feeling quite tired and deflated after 2009, which saw him keeping his head down, working and staying out of trouble. The Year of the Tiger is going to be fast-paced for the Rat, which in itself does tend to make them slightly uncomfortable. But it is essential that they go with the flow and seize opportunities and take adventures – this year is going to be important for them. A lot of Rats may have dreamt of travel in 2009 but were unable to take trips either due to financial or work commitments. This year will be so different! Travel will feature strongly for many and if there is dream destination in mind, it may become a reality during 2010. February and March can bring interesting work offers, while June to August and December will bring happy social occasions. Romantically, September and October bring tempting offers for single Rats, while those who are attached will find the summer most special. It is essential for all persons born under this sign to be extra thoughtful and caring throughout the year – an inadvertent remark or gesture could lead to discord with loved ones.
Interesting Rat Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Garnet
Special Flower: Narcissus
Best Hours: 11 pm -1 am
Season: Winter
Horoscope Colors: Black, White, Purple
RAT: 51% (6 favorable and 6 unfavorable months)
There will be times you think 2010 is a good year and others when you will wonder if the opposite is true. On a positive note, the Metal year produces good fortune for you. The Tiger, on the other hand, is a big cat, and not exactly a friend to the Rat. Two important keys to your success are to be nimble and not to pick fights you have a chance of losing. The Tiger has claws, and defeat is not likely to be pretty. There will be plenty of action this year, which should suit you just fine. Scale back your endeavors in the first six months of the year and make your most concerted efforts during the next six good months. This formula should leave your life's balance sheet in the black at year's end.
Career
The Rat is likely to experience at least one major change in career path or professional role this year. The best strategy is to cultivate flexibility. If changes are not of your choosing, you'll be best positioned to take advantage of new opportunities by relinquishing some control and being your most adaptable self. Your independent nature could be a disadvantage if you don't pay close attention to developments in your field. It is a good time to monitor game-changing trends. The Rat is known for tenacity and resourcefulness, traits that will serve you well. If you are willing to adjust your plans accordingly, this Tiger year could tangibly improve your career prospects in the second half.
Relationships
Loving family relationships are featured prominently in this Tiger year. The Rat may be called upon to provide support to an older relative, thus enhancing a close, and mutually rewarding bond. You shouldn't hesitate to call on family first for assistance or advice. Attend as many events and gatherings of the most important people in your life as possible, or better yet, plan some yourself. In fact, it is advisable to go out of your way to create the environment for happy, memorable occasions to be enjoyed. Romance is not to be neglected either. Proactively expanding your social circle and interests will connect you with one or more exciting new love prospects.
Health
Relaxation will be valuable to your health this year. The Rat has a tendency to never fully unwind, even when participating in so-called leisure activities. This tendency will be even more exaggerated by the Tiger, so your overall well-being will depend on you making a real effort to find true outlets for stress. Some of your hobbies could be unwitting sources of pressure anxiety. Try some non-competitive physical endeavors and practice those that make you feel balanced and at peace instead of simply posing a new set of standards for achievement.
Wealth
As ingenious as the Rat can be financially, the Tiger year does not bode well for any risky ventures. The Tiger's hallmark is leaping before looking, so you should be vigilant so as not to get caught up in clever but uncertain schemes. Things will not always be what they appear this year, and that is especially true in money matters. It is not to say you should make no investments or major purchases this year; however, due diligence erring on the side of caution and conservatism could avert serious losses.
Innocence
Remember when you were a child? The world through those eyes was spectacular! I remember most of all how special I thought I was. I miss how I just felt that the world and everything in it was available for my pleasure. I never saw any barriers or obstacles. I did not believe in disappointment. I mean sure I would not always have my way, but my outlook was so iron-clad that it would just slide right off of me. I would brush it off and immediately go for the next best thing with no worries. I just knew I would always get my way period! Man I miss those days. Life was so inspiring and had so much potential!
I use to look at older people and just think it's so sad that they are so washed out and jaded. I use to look at opposition in that way too. I felt joyous and blessed to have seen the world the way I did with limitless possibilities and all within reach.
Like that Pink song "Sober" that's how I feel about life in regards to my youth. How can I feel like that again? How can I go back to always looking at the positive side of things and baring no bounderies!
I want to be free! I want to fly again! Where's my peter pan?
It's important to hold on to that. Cuz really life is what you make of it. It is your choice to see the world which ever way you want. Be delusional if so! Just be happy because I guarantee if you are happy, eveything will just fall into place. Religion tells you through faith, the secret tells you, spirituality tells you, and now I tell you! Believe!
I talk to myself here as well. My therapy to expell this negativity and embrace positivity is here. Find your's so that you may always believe!
I use to look at older people and just think it's so sad that they are so washed out and jaded. I use to look at opposition in that way too. I felt joyous and blessed to have seen the world the way I did with limitless possibilities and all within reach.
Like that Pink song "Sober" that's how I feel about life in regards to my youth. How can I feel like that again? How can I go back to always looking at the positive side of things and baring no bounderies!
I want to be free! I want to fly again! Where's my peter pan?
It's important to hold on to that. Cuz really life is what you make of it. It is your choice to see the world which ever way you want. Be delusional if so! Just be happy because I guarantee if you are happy, eveything will just fall into place. Religion tells you through faith, the secret tells you, spirituality tells you, and now I tell you! Believe!
I talk to myself here as well. My therapy to expell this negativity and embrace positivity is here. Find your's so that you may always believe!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Feel sexxxyyy, damn it!
I mean you gotta turn yourself on. It's like that love thing, "you must love yourself before you can love another and another to love you". It's like that! I mean when you masturbate is it a whatever thing, let me bust this nut? Or is it like "yea me time, hey I've missed you"...lmao. I mean you gotta find yourself sexy. Feel sexy so you can exude sexiness.
It has to come from within. First and foremost, you must be healthy inside out. You have to take care of your health. You want to be detoxicated and supported with the proper nutrients, vitamins & minerals, and enzymes. Be at a healthy, safe, and comfortable weight. Good organic supplements site is www.yorhealth.com/lagygin Then you must be healthy of mind. Your self-esteem and confidence must be central all throughout.
Know yourself well. Your strengths and weaknesses, as they say. Appreciate your efforts and the person you are. Who you are and what is going on in your life has been of your own doing. Be proud of your decisions! Make decisions you will be proud of. Accept yourself. And above all be honest with yourself. With what you want and what you are worth.
Finally be about your shit! If you say you gonna do something do it! Don't stay dreaming and talking. "lights camera action thank you Ms. Jackson! "...lol
Now that is true SeXy!
Jus saying!
It has to come from within. First and foremost, you must be healthy inside out. You have to take care of your health. You want to be detoxicated and supported with the proper nutrients, vitamins & minerals, and enzymes. Be at a healthy, safe, and comfortable weight. Good organic supplements site is www.yorhealth.com/lagygin Then you must be healthy of mind. Your self-esteem and confidence must be central all throughout.
Know yourself well. Your strengths and weaknesses, as they say. Appreciate your efforts and the person you are. Who you are and what is going on in your life has been of your own doing. Be proud of your decisions! Make decisions you will be proud of. Accept yourself. And above all be honest with yourself. With what you want and what you are worth.
Finally be about your shit! If you say you gonna do something do it! Don't stay dreaming and talking. "lights camera action thank you Ms. Jackson! "...lol
Now that is true SeXy!
Jus saying!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Bastards
I put it here for all the world to see.
Ring the alarms and turn on the switch.
I know the secret and I'ma snitch.
Lay it on you without a fee.
Rid the body of all your sins.
Young love exciting but no one ever wins.
Perpetual betrayal, selfishness, and disrespect
Interferring with the love that could be shared.
Warning: After so many cycles love leaves you bare.
Colder now from the warmth you felt
Lonlier now that the space is left
Looking in the mirror wondering when the ache will end.
Regretting how you jumped in for love twisted and bent.
You ready?
Here it goes, signed, sealed, delivered and sent.
Emotions are traitors.
Royal masturbators.
Ego induced drugs
Rock and rob the cradle
Ever since Daddy carried you.
Sit you on his lap and made you giggle.
Your caught.
Chemical reaction produces laughter.
A prequel, a symptom,of love.
A feeling you want to last ever after.
Flip it, scratch it, fondle, and squeeze it.
And the race begins!
Tumble, fumble, your mission to capture it, breathe it, own it, and keep it.
Instead we mistreat it, abuse it, and waste it.
Hearts broken, egos bruised and the cylce continues
One doing to another and that other to another, and that other to yet another
Obsenities against a person, your person, your kind, just love me person.
So keep your head up, eyes focused, shoulders back, hands to the side.
Forward, toward, never backwards
Walk proud like a zombie
Heartlessly empty not concerning yourself with drama.
Taking the make you feel so good
Emptying all concern, remorse, and blindness to kindness.
Its this one, that one, this one today, the other tomorrow.
The usual, the romance, the fairy tale feeling.
"So glad I have found you, love you already, be mine forever..."
Smile, cry, agree, and cuddle.
And do it all again tomorrow with the other.
It's just the way the game is played, it's best if you just stay stoned.
Rock hard marble
Pleasant assassin
Enjoy the ride.
For all the bastards that wronged you, didnt't appreciate you, and passed you.
Be the bastard!
Ring the alarms and turn on the switch.
I know the secret and I'ma snitch.
Lay it on you without a fee.
Rid the body of all your sins.
Young love exciting but no one ever wins.
Perpetual betrayal, selfishness, and disrespect
Interferring with the love that could be shared.
Warning: After so many cycles love leaves you bare.
Colder now from the warmth you felt
Lonlier now that the space is left
Looking in the mirror wondering when the ache will end.
Regretting how you jumped in for love twisted and bent.
You ready?
Here it goes, signed, sealed, delivered and sent.
Emotions are traitors.
Royal masturbators.
Ego induced drugs
Rock and rob the cradle
Ever since Daddy carried you.
Sit you on his lap and made you giggle.
Your caught.
Chemical reaction produces laughter.
A prequel, a symptom,of love.
A feeling you want to last ever after.
Flip it, scratch it, fondle, and squeeze it.
And the race begins!
Tumble, fumble, your mission to capture it, breathe it, own it, and keep it.
Instead we mistreat it, abuse it, and waste it.
Hearts broken, egos bruised and the cylce continues
One doing to another and that other to another, and that other to yet another
Obsenities against a person, your person, your kind, just love me person.
So keep your head up, eyes focused, shoulders back, hands to the side.
Forward, toward, never backwards
Walk proud like a zombie
Heartlessly empty not concerning yourself with drama.
Taking the make you feel so good
Emptying all concern, remorse, and blindness to kindness.
Its this one, that one, this one today, the other tomorrow.
The usual, the romance, the fairy tale feeling.
"So glad I have found you, love you already, be mine forever..."
Smile, cry, agree, and cuddle.
And do it all again tomorrow with the other.
It's just the way the game is played, it's best if you just stay stoned.
Rock hard marble
Pleasant assassin
Enjoy the ride.
For all the bastards that wronged you, didnt't appreciate you, and passed you.
Be the bastard!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Coward
"Good things come to those who wait. Great things come to those who go get it" -J.Lau
I'm really good at keeping busy. I feel uncomfortable any other way. Now the question is do I excel at everything I do? I do not! I am ver ambitious, very competitive. I usually do good in everything I do. I'm a winner. A second place winner.
Yes I said it. Most important is to be honest with yourself. Look at yourself with the same unforgiving & scrutinizing eyes you look upon another. That's negative you say? That's depressing you think? So sad? Au'contraire my friend! It is the kindest thing you can do for yourself! The world is not going to be kind & pity you! It will be harsh! If you plan to succeed, to play the game of life, you must be harsh too! Be harsh to others & be harsh to yourself! You may be saying "What the hell is she talking bout?" Let me explain further! When I say be harsh, I don't mean to scream in someones face or sit there & tell someone they are ugly, fat, skeleton looking, a bitch, stank, etc. I mean to look at them within yourself, observe them. Notice their flaws, their crooked nose or teeth, their consistent bad breath, their acne, eczema, big lips, petruding eyes, you get the picture. Then look into their eyes, here their voice & laughter, and forgive them. Forgive them for being angry for all disapproval they have received. Forgive them for being selfish & looking out for their own happiness after learning that no one would consider their feelings & call them names. Forgive their lack of education on the vanitied of society. Now look at them again. Notice the happiness in their laughter. Notice their will to face the world one more day. Their desire to be accepted, loved, desired. Notice their insecurities on their flaws. Their cowardness to change what has been given to them because of the lack of nurturing, encoragement &, opportunities they have received. Appreciate that despite the harsh reality of life they continue. Listen to people, a stranger, a friend, an aquaintence attentively & hear their soul. The beat of their hearts that beat at the same rythm.
For you, you must be honest in the same way! Sit alone in front of a long mirror. Look at your body, look at you face! Be completely & utterly honest! "My thighs are big. I look like a bag of fat. I'm hairy. My coochie always smells. My teeth are croocked. My nose is big. My face is pretty. I have a sexy booty. A cute mouth. Crooked toes. Cellulite village. Etc.." Why? What's the point in beating yourself down? Because the world does! Everyone looks at you with unforgiving eyes and make judgements. Place you in categories that define your worth. And so you must know where that puts you. Know at what level you are starting at so you can knock em down!! Know your weaknesses, attack them! Learn how to make them an asset. Exemplify your strengths & back them up w/ iron confidence.
The world of money is about selling yourself & that is fueled by confidence. Success is possible to all as long as you claim it & make it your bitch!
So why am I a second place winner? Because I am guilty of getting too comfortable. I do just enough to get by. I know that I can do more, do better. I have confidence, but not enough to make me #1. I'm working on it tho! You work on you! Promise? Not to me, to you!
I'm really good at keeping busy. I feel uncomfortable any other way. Now the question is do I excel at everything I do? I do not! I am ver ambitious, very competitive. I usually do good in everything I do. I'm a winner. A second place winner.
Yes I said it. Most important is to be honest with yourself. Look at yourself with the same unforgiving & scrutinizing eyes you look upon another. That's negative you say? That's depressing you think? So sad? Au'contraire my friend! It is the kindest thing you can do for yourself! The world is not going to be kind & pity you! It will be harsh! If you plan to succeed, to play the game of life, you must be harsh too! Be harsh to others & be harsh to yourself! You may be saying "What the hell is she talking bout?" Let me explain further! When I say be harsh, I don't mean to scream in someones face or sit there & tell someone they are ugly, fat, skeleton looking, a bitch, stank, etc. I mean to look at them within yourself, observe them. Notice their flaws, their crooked nose or teeth, their consistent bad breath, their acne, eczema, big lips, petruding eyes, you get the picture. Then look into their eyes, here their voice & laughter, and forgive them. Forgive them for being angry for all disapproval they have received. Forgive them for being selfish & looking out for their own happiness after learning that no one would consider their feelings & call them names. Forgive their lack of education on the vanitied of society. Now look at them again. Notice the happiness in their laughter. Notice their will to face the world one more day. Their desire to be accepted, loved, desired. Notice their insecurities on their flaws. Their cowardness to change what has been given to them because of the lack of nurturing, encoragement &, opportunities they have received. Appreciate that despite the harsh reality of life they continue. Listen to people, a stranger, a friend, an aquaintence attentively & hear their soul. The beat of their hearts that beat at the same rythm.
For you, you must be honest in the same way! Sit alone in front of a long mirror. Look at your body, look at you face! Be completely & utterly honest! "My thighs are big. I look like a bag of fat. I'm hairy. My coochie always smells. My teeth are croocked. My nose is big. My face is pretty. I have a sexy booty. A cute mouth. Crooked toes. Cellulite village. Etc.." Why? What's the point in beating yourself down? Because the world does! Everyone looks at you with unforgiving eyes and make judgements. Place you in categories that define your worth. And so you must know where that puts you. Know at what level you are starting at so you can knock em down!! Know your weaknesses, attack them! Learn how to make them an asset. Exemplify your strengths & back them up w/ iron confidence.
The world of money is about selling yourself & that is fueled by confidence. Success is possible to all as long as you claim it & make it your bitch!
So why am I a second place winner? Because I am guilty of getting too comfortable. I do just enough to get by. I know that I can do more, do better. I have confidence, but not enough to make me #1. I'm working on it tho! You work on you! Promise? Not to me, to you!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Shadows
In a dark mood...part of the job
to own and exemplify the traces of sin unspoken
your dont's embedded encryptedly cuddling next to the do's
just waiting for the moment to step out of the shadows
waiting for the moment that darkness creeps in
when the sun has set and dawn is far away
the mind starts to wonder
the truth of what you feel seeps in
starts to tear and from your pores plan their escape
sanity mistaken for insane
dispicable naughty thoughts that dare not come to ligh
delight in the mystery of the psyche
seeing validation to this senseless worthlessness
love denied
acid spit opening the gashes to your inner squeals
you squeal
inside just itching to come out
Let it out to play
to own and exemplify the traces of sin unspoken
your dont's embedded encryptedly cuddling next to the do's
just waiting for the moment to step out of the shadows
waiting for the moment that darkness creeps in
when the sun has set and dawn is far away
the mind starts to wonder
the truth of what you feel seeps in
starts to tear and from your pores plan their escape
sanity mistaken for insane
dispicable naughty thoughts that dare not come to ligh
delight in the mystery of the psyche
seeing validation to this senseless worthlessness
love denied
acid spit opening the gashes to your inner squeals
you squeal
inside just itching to come out
Let it out to play
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
New Year's 3 weeks in!
Ok so I started my blog way into the month. But I didn't wait as long to start on my goals and that's what it's all about! So goals goals goals! We hear about them every year. Truth is we're so use to hearing about them, contemplating on them, and forgetting about them in a month's time. pwua pwua pwua! Do you like disappointing yourself? Do you like quitting on the things you want? Of course not! So how can you rectify yourself? Well first thing is you have to decide! You have got to look at your self and say "Mumba, this is the year! Yor year!" For me it's the last fat year! The last year I am going to be fat! No more big girl, although I did it fabulously! But it is bye bye fat girl, hello confident "looking" girl! What is your goal? what would you like of this year? Your own place? A car? A new job? A new man? What ever you need. the world is at your finger tips. A new Year means a new opportunity to make it right for yourself. To re-evaluate what you truly want, who you truly want to be, and make it happen. I urge you to take your opportunity! Start by writing down your goals and then plan them out. What steps do you have to take to make it? It's neccesary to be true to yourself! You deserve to have what you want and to be happy. It's all up to you! Ever wonder what successful ppl have? It's a plan and the determination to fulfill it! The good thing is that you can do that too! So Indulge in success! I believe in you! Question is, do you believe in yourself?
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